Why “Do Better” Isn’t a Strategy: Social Emotional Learning Skills for Real Behavior Change
- Poised & Proper
- Jan 5
- 3 min read
“Just try harder next time.”
It sounds reasonable. Responsible, even.
And yet… it rarely works.
As adults, we often default to phrases like do better, make better choices, or you know better than that — especially when kids (or teens) repeat the same behaviors we’ve already addressed.
But here’s the truth most people don’t realize:
Wanting to do better and knowing how to do better are two very different things.
And kids — even well-intentioned ones — are often missing the how.
Social emotional learning skills are what help children understand their feelings, manage reactions, and make better choices — especially when things feel hard.
Motivation Isn’t the Missing Piece — Skills Are
Most children don’t wake up thinking, Today I’ll interrupt everyone, melt down when I’m frustrated, and mishandle conflict.
What’s usually happening instead is this:
They feel overwhelmed but don’t know how to name it
They feel left out but don’t know how to re-enter a group
They feel embarrassed but don’t know how to recover gracefully
So they react.
When we tell a child to “do better” without giving them tools, we’re asking them to solve a problem they don’t yet have the language, regulation, or strategies to manage.
That’s not defiance.
That’s under development — and it’s fixable.
Real Change Comes From Reflection, Not Shame
One of the biggest myths in behavior correction is that consequences alone create growth.
Consequences can stop behavior in the moment — but reflection builds long-term change.
Instead of:
“You need to do better next time.”
Try guiding them through:
What happened?
How did you feel in that moment?
What could you try next time instead?
This process does three powerful things:
It builds emotional awareness
It strengthens problem-solving skills
It teaches accountability without shame
And here’s the part adults often miss:
Children who can reflect are far more likely to self-correct later — even when no one is watching.
Teaching social-emotional learning skills gives children a framework for handling emotions and social situations with confidence, not shame.
Why This Matters Beyond Childhood
These patterns don’t disappear with age.
The adults who struggle with:
Emotional regulation at work
Difficult conversations
Receiving feedback
Repairing relationships
Were often kids who were told to “be better” — but never taught how.
Social and emotional learning isn’t about softness or lowering expectations.
It’s about equipping people with the internal skills to meet high expectations — calmly, respectfully, and consistently.
That’s a life skill. Not a trend.
What Actually Helps Kids Change
If you want behavior to stick, focus on teaching:
Emotional language (“I feel frustrated because…”)
Regulation strategies (pausing, breathing, stepping away)
Social problem-solving (what to say, how to repair, when to exit)
When children understand why they reacted and what to try next, you’re no longer managing behavior — you’re building capability.
And capable kids grow into capable adults.
If you’re reading this and thinking, I wish there were a clear way to teach these skills — not just talk about them, you’re not alone.
This is exactly why I created our K–8 social and emotional life skills curriculum — to give families and schools practical language, guided practice, and real-life scenarios that help these lessons actually stick.
Because social skills shouldn’t be left to chance — and kids deserve more than “just do better.”
A More Effective Question to Ask
The next time you feel tempted to say do better, try this instead:
“What would help you handle that differently next time?”
That one question shifts everything — from control to coaching, from shame to skill-building, from short-term compliance to long-term growth.
And that’s where real change begins.
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