Why “Just Be Nice” Is Terrible Social Advice: Assertiveness vs People Pleasing
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
Assertiveness Is a Life Skill — Not an Attitude Problem
Let’s Talk About the Worst Advice We Give Kids (and Ourselves)
“Just be nice.”
It sounds harmless. Polite. Well-intentioned.
But in real life?
It’s some of the most damaging social advice we hand out — especially to girls, teens, and emotionally aware adults.
Because “just be nice” doesn’t teach communication.
It teaches suppression.
At the heart of this advice is a confusion many of us grow up with — assertiveness vs people pleasing — and the belief that staying agreeable matters more than staying honest.
Polite Does Not Mean Healthy
Here’s what “just be nice” often turns into:
Laughing something off that actually bothered you
Saying yes when your body is screaming no
Letting comments slide to avoid “making it awkward”
Staying quiet so you don’t seem difficult
Over-explaining your feelings to be understood
That’s not kindness.
That’s people-pleasing disguised as good manners.
And it quietly erodes confidence over time.
The Difference Between Being Nice and Being Assertive
Being nice focuses on how others feel.
Being assertive includes how you feel too.
Assertiveness sounds like:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m comfortable with this, but not that.”
“I need a moment to think before answering.”
“I’m not upset — I just want to be clear.”
"I'm not interested in speaking to you."
Notice what’s missing?
No apology tour.
No emotional monologue.
No defensiveness.
Just calm clarity.
Why This Starts So Early
Many kids — especially socially aware ones — learn very young that:
Agreeableness = approval
Silence = peace
Discomfort = something to push through
So they become:
Easygoing
Flexible
“So mature for their age”
Until one day, they’re teenagers or adults who don’t know how to speak up without guilt or snapping.
That’s not a personality flaw.
That’s a missing skill.
Real-Life Examples (That Feel Uncomfortably Familiar)
This is where “just be nice” shows up in everyday life:
Staying in a conversation that’s draining because exiting feels rude
Letting a friend repeatedly cross small lines because “it’s not that serious”
Agreeing to plans you don’t want because you don’t want to disappoint
Smiling through discomfort to keep the peace
None of these moments are dramatic.
But stacked together? They teach your nervous system to ignore itself.
Emotional Regulation Is the Missing Link
People often confuse assertiveness with aggression.
But true assertiveness actually requires emotional regulation.
It means:
Pausing before reacting
Naming what you need without escalating
Staying grounded when someone doesn’t love your answer
That’s why assertiveness isn’t about confidence alone — it’s about capacity.
And capacity is teachable.
This Is Why “Just Be Nice” Falls Short
“Just be nice” doesn’t teach kids or adults:
How to disagree respectfully
How to say no without shutting down
How to handle discomfort without avoidance
How to stay kind and self-respecting
It teaches compliance — not communication.
And eventually, compliance turns into resentment.
Teaching a Better Skill Set
Instead of “just be nice,” we should be teaching:
“You can be kind and clear.”
“You’re allowed to pause before answering.”
“Discomfort doesn’t mean danger.”
“You don’t owe access to everyone.”
"You don't have to be mean to get your point across."
These lessons show up throughout my adult communication and boundaries courses, where we practice assertive language, emotional regulation, and real-life scenarios that help adults stop over-explaining and start communicating with confidence.
They’re also reinforced in age-appropriate ways through our student curriculum — because these skills shouldn’t be learned the hard way later.
Here's the Truth
If being nice is costing you your voice, it’s no longer politeness — it’s self-abandonment.
You’re allowed to be warm and honest.
Kind and clear.
Respectful and boundaried.
That’s not rude.
That’s emotionally intelligent.
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