The two or three days around a visit are a quiet test of two people's grace. Whether you are the one arriving with a bag or the one making up the guest bed, a stay under the same roof asks something of both of you. And most of the visits that go sideways do not go sideways over anything dramatic. They go sideways over small, unspoken things that nobody thought to name. So let's name them. Here is the whole art of houseguest etiquette, both sides of it, because a good visit is

You know the sound. The cabinet closed a little too hard. The long sigh aimed at the middle of the room. The “it's fine” that means nothing is fine. The word said just quietly enough that you cannot be totally sure you were meant to hear it, and just loudly enough that you did. We have all been on both ends of this. And I want to say something that may land uncomfortably, because it is worth saying plainly. Muttering under your breath is not the polite, restrained, taking-the

There is a fantasy that comes bundled with going away to college, and it goes like this. You walk into your dorm room, meet your roommate, and instantly gain a built-in best friend. You stay up late talking about everything, borrow each other's clothes, and end up in each other's weddings someday. Sometimes that actually happens, and it is wonderful. But here is the truth that will save your entire first year. You are not moving in with a built-in best friend. You are moving